The Gigantic Hands
by PanamaLover
Summary: Set after 4x13. Gail/Holly in a very uncomplicated way.
1. Chapter 1: The Gigantic Hands

A Peck doesn't stand with her shoes frozen to the ground. And yet here she was. Unable to move. Well, in order to move, she had to make a decision. And that alone seemed impossible, going through with it even more so. Gail could feel Holly's eyes on her. Her silent, very silent presence. Standing there, behind her, saying nothing and simply waiting. It was almost annoying how patient she was. And comforting. So comforting.

"Frank asked me to take the shift tomorrow morning".

Gail felt a slight pressure on her lower back. Holly had been doing this through out the night. Those small subtle touches. Well, not small for Gail.

"Gail, I'm pretty sure you mean today. It's still kind of early, but it's a new day already".

Yes, that Hand on her back was gigantic to Gail. She was standing in the middle of the hospital parking lot, pitch black darkness of the night all around her, even if Holly referred to it as "early". It was shocking how still everything was just a few feet out of the hospital, where chaos had reigned for all those hours. And out here the trees were still with their snow covered branches as if nothing had happened, as is people weren't hurt and people were't crying only a concrete wall away. The warm yellow lights illuminated the snow, the cars, everything in the way that made Gail feel oddly comforted. And all she could think for a while was that all those cold and clinical lamps inside the hospital should be exchanged with these yellow, warm inviting street lamps. She shook her head trying to regroup. Gail knew she was certainly loosing it if at a time like this she just stood there thinking about lamps. But it just made everything seem so simple. Besides the fact that her shoes were clearly frozen to the fucking ground. Her car was a few steps away. She could make out the outline of Holly's car too. Her friends were stable enough for the moment and she was being sent home to rest a bit before the new shift. Everything fit where it was supposed to. Oh, and that colossal Hand on her back. Yes, Gail decided. It was the Hand that wouldn't allow her to move. It was too heavy. Her standing here had nothing to do with making a decision. She was a Peck. Decisions were not a problem.

"I just don't know. I don't think it's a good idea to go home and sleep for like two hours before I have to get up again for the shift. I guess it were better if I stayed awake and then just drank coffee constantly tomorrow."

The Hand was still there, but Holly herself took a step to stand alongside Gail. Even though she wouldn't look at her , Gail knew, she would see those big trusting brown eyes and then the tears would come, and that is certainly not something A Peck does.

"Sure, you know what works for you the best. That's not necessarily my medical opinion, but I don't think that you want to hear that one. I mean, we already know that you're a bit behind with your medical jurisprudence. "

Gail could hear the small smile as Holly spoke rather than see it. She still couldn't look at her face. Exhaustion. It hit her out of nowhere. Gail was exhausted, drained and to her own surprise- completely empty. There was nothing left. It was not a easy lightness, no. On the contrary, it was the kind of emptiness that filled one's legs with concrete.

"Holly can we just... I want to sit down, and be here a while?"

"Right here? You mean in the parking lot?"

"Yes. It's just so silent, and so. I don't know. I just want to sit here."

And Holly didn't ask any questions. She simply took Gail's hand and led her to the closest bench without asking for any kind of explanation. She sat down quietly and dragged Gail down next to her. Gail could still feel Holly looking at her. Silently. Now the Hand was on her leg. The Thumb making a terribly lovely back and forth movement. Gail could hear tiny pieces of conversation echoing from the other corner of the lot, she could hear an ambulance howling somewhere in the distance and yet, it was all just a soundtrack to the god damn Thumb.

"Everything is going wrong."

"Gail, your friends will be ok. They're stable, now we just need time. We need to wait. And apparently sit in the parking lot while we wait."

God, Gail could feel the tears coming, and Holly was being nice and the Thumb, and there was no way how to make sure that she didn't get this whole thing the wrong way. Holly is so nice. And Gail is so tired.

"Everything, Holly. Everything was supposed to be different. I thought it would be different being a Peck. I did everything a Peck is supposed to do, and yet it is all terrible."

Gail could feel the first tears on her cheeks and felt Holly shifting into a hug, a reflex any normal person had.

"No, please don't. If you hug me now, I won't be able to stop and I will already look like shit during the shift. Just give me a minute."

Holly simply returned her Hand to Gail's leg. Back and forth with the Thumb. Gail smiled through the tears- it was ridiculous how soothing a simple motion could be. She was, certainly going crazy. So she smiled more, all the while crying. And Holly didn't ask.

"Gail. You are ok. You are alive. Your friends are alive. And I know you don't just mean today. You getting abducted and surviving all of that, managing to move on- it has nothing to do with your name. Your boyfriend falling for your friend- that's terrible, but then again, nothing to do with you being a Peck. Gail, things happen. They just do. The bad things are certainly not everything. Like the wedding, remember? We had fun there?"

The Thumb had stopped somewhere in the middle of the speech but the Hand was still in place. For that moment only Gail wished for more contact. Yes, the subtle touches were comforting, well timed and an art that Gail herself had never mastered. But those touches seemed not enough. She could already feel the almost unnoticeable cold wind biting at the tips of her ears. But it felt so excruciatingly right to breath the frozen air that there was no chance of them moving somewhere warm. Her legs were still filled with concrete, her insides empty.

"Yes. I'll admit. But you're not telling anyone about this. The wedding was pretty fun."

"And the batting cages?"

"Are you crazy? That WAS terrible. The most terrible."

Gail could hear the silent deep laugh next to her, accompanied by a slight squeeze of the Hand. And that was enough. That was not terrible. Gail moved slightly away from Holly and laid down on her back, her head on Holly's legs. Eyes tightly shut. Yes, more contact.

"Oh yes, I remember all the laughter I made you suffer through, you poor poor thing."

A tentative hand in her hair. And another one on her stomach. Gail might have never learned how to do that "heal with thy touch thing", but she knew what was happening now. She was good, in fact she was the best at that. She could see Holly deflecting, trying to stop Gail from thinking about all the shit that has been happening. Well, talking about her baseball shortcomings might have not been the best idea, but the hair stroking certainly worked.

"Exactly, suffer. That's the word that I used then, and am going to use every time you remind me of it. It was horrible."

What was horrible was her friends getting shot, people she loved almost dying, Dov finding out about Chloe's husband, Nick seeing Andy crumble to pieces after Sam being injured. All of that was horrible, and yet here she was, lying on a bench, being stroked into submission my a forensic pathologist. Life has certainly taken a turn. God damn it, she smelled good for someone who worked with the dead.

"Remember when you called me to come to the hospital to pick you up? You called me and told me that a tiny elephant had attacked you. And when I came to pick you up you seemed sort of fine, except for the bandage on your arm and the fact that you were crying. I was utterly confused. I had no idea what to do, how to help you. I took you to your apartment, you jumped out of my car, said thanks through the window and disappeared inside the building. You do realize that to this day, I have no idea what the hell were you doing with a tiny elephant?"

Despite her best efforts Gail had to laugh at that. It was not a slight smile or a tentative giggle. It was a full blown loud laugh that shook her insides. Just like that, she could feel something warm filling her up, once again. Here, with her head in Holly's lap, it was so simple. And the Hand on her stomach. That one might have figured into everything in some way.

And so Gail told her about the elephant, about the medication trip, about Andy's guilty puppy eyes. She told her all kinds of things, because it was fine. Gail understood the absurdity of it all, but she just kept talking, then and now, laughing. The sun was staring to rise, the sky was a striking shade of pink, she was lying in the freezing cold, thriving for a touch of another woman. Yes, everything was absolutely fine, nothing weird about any of that.

"Holly, I should start moving towards the station. You know, shower, coffee, food, or something".

And just like that the Hands were gone, and Gail was sitting up, and there was no more contact. Once again, Gail's legs felt heavy and the shift ahead of her ultimately tedious. People were rushing into the hospital, the new day was beginning, full of hope and promise. And Gail couldn't give a shit. She simply couldn't.

"When does your shift end?"

"Around seven."

"Gail, listen. Why don't you grab a change of clothes and come around my place, just to hang out. You know, we eat something, we watch some hockey or something".

"To be completely honest, I always figured if a doctor asked me out, I would at least get a dinner actually OUT, not on a couch with sports in the background."

"Yeah well, considering you've already spent..I don't even know how many days without sleep, you were shot at, you almost lost friends. I could go on, but the point is, I think you might appreciate the possibility of falling asleep on the couch at any point during the night. Besides, I promise, you will know when I'm asking you OUT."

"Holly, you are being very nice to me. It is making me nervous. And a bit uncomfortable. Maybe a little bit suspicious as well."

Holly smiled that lopsided smile, that Gail still didn't get. Smug? Yeah, she was probably being smug. Smart people don't do useless smiles. And Holly was smart. Smart enough to know that Gail was messed up, and yet she was standing there being all smug. Well, probably smug.

"I want you to come and spend the evening with me because I like you. And because I have a feeling you need to stop being officer Peck or A Peck and just be Gail for a while. You can do that with me. Besides, you are a pretty good kisser, those are always welcome in my house."

Gail knew what was coming next, but it still came as a surprise. Only a small kiss, a tiny chaste kiss, but Gail knew that she would make it through the shift and watch that damn hockey game in the evening. Maybe Holly had a point, maybe it was a new day already.


	2. Chapter 2 :The Elephant

Hey! Thanks a lot for the comments:) I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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Growing up was a tad extreme in the Peck residence. Every day brought a new challenge, everything was a competition, Peck kids never knew which situation would later unfold to have been a test. But the thing that Gail remembered the most clearly from her early years was Helga. And how that wonderful, enormous woman always smelled of chocolate chip cookies. The odd thing was that she never actually baked them, she just emitted that warm, sweet homely smell. Gail could remember being engulfed by the sugary scent every now and then, when Helga would hug her, and hold her tight in her soft arms. When nobody was looking. Because Peck kids were supposed to learn how to make it on their own, they had to roll with the punches. And Helga- she was there to clean the house. She was not a babysitter. She was supposed to disregard the children entirely.

Yet, sometimes, Helga would hug her. She would let Gail sit on her lap, and hold her close. Helga would sometimes scold her, not because she was disappointed, but because she was worried. She would tell Gail to eat all the vegetables. She would tell her to go to bed on time or not to run around holding stuff like scissors on the slippery hardwood floors. Gail was never sure if Helga was worried about her falling and damaging the expensive floor or her falling and hurting herself.

Just like now. Staring at the hardwood door she just had knocked on, Gail wasn't sure what exactly she was terrified of. She was being ridiculous. She had knocked on this door numerous times before. It was Holly. It was only-

"Oh, hey. I wasn't sure if you'd come".

Holly. Hair slightly damp, face clear of any makeup. Clearly just out of the shower, sweatpants and a loose shirt on. Was that a good sign? Women only went "au naturel" around people they felt completely comfortable being with? Right? Gail wasn't grasping for straws here? She was starting to realize, guys were a bit more simple.

"Hey. I thought we agreed to that yesterday. Well, this morning. Anyway. I brought some food".

Holly's eyes registered the beer and cheese puffs in Gail's hands.

"Of course you did. Come in, make yourself comfortable."

Gail loved Holly's apartment. It had a certain grown up feeling to it, that the Peck-Epstein-Diaz residence failed to reach. It reminded Gail of the pictures she had seen in various modern design magazines when Steve was redecorating. The furniture matched the drapes and the drapes matched the carpet, and...Everything seemed to match everything. That alone would have been unnerving to Gail, but the whole idea of continuity in the apartment was deterred by journals, books and papers scattered on seemingly all available surfaces. And small, tiny things that were Holly. A picture of her with her family. A picture drawn by a child, a niece maybe? A framed hockey shirt with an autograph. On the fridge- a list of Spanish words, that were constantly modified. At least as far as Gail could tell, Holly was indeed moving forward with her Spanish. All those small things that Gail's house didn't have. Neither the one she lived in now, nor the childhood one. Oh, and the delicious, mind-bending smell of food.

"You're cooking something?"

Gail managed to catch Holly trying to suppress a smile as she walked into the kitchen.

"Well, I forgot to pick up cheese puffs on my way home, so I figured I might want to make something. But now, since you brought some, we can ditch the whole lasagna nonsense."

"You made lasagna from scratch? You're disgusting, you know that right?"

Holly laughed. She was moving around, chopping something at the kitchen counter while Gail sat on the bar stool. It was weird. It was really really weird. Her sitting like that in Holly's kitchen, talking about dinner. And feeling all warm and fuzzy, and frankly, proud of herself for making Holly laugh. Well, the last part was more pathetic than weird.

"Yeah, I know. I sometimes surprise myself with all the crap I do. I just keep on hoping that this whole need to eat actual food is only a phase. But hey, you can just eat your puffs, and I'll somehow deal with all of this horrendous homemade food."

Gail handed Holly a beer. She stopped chopping to take it only for a moment. Only a tiny second. And Gail saw it. She saw how Holly's eyes in that split second managed to land on their hands and then connect with Gail's eyes. An unnervingly ridiculously tiny moment. And she abruptly started to chop again.

Yeah, that was another thing that the Gail-Epstein-Diaz house didn't have. A giant Elephant in the kitchen.

"So. How was your day?"

Holly was once again busying herself with all that food stuff that Gail mostly didn't even recognize.

"The usual. Everybody was a bit tense. But after everything I guess it's more that understandable. Didn't do much. Patrolled, answered a few domestic calls."

Holly did everything at once. Just looking at it made Gail uneasy. Impressed though. She watched how Holly stirred something in a pot with one hand and picked out spices with another while peaking into the oven. She always did that, Gail thought. Her hands had a mind of their own, without her even being aware of it.

"You might have called or sent a message. Or something. You know, to let me know you're alive and nobody's trying to shoot you. Or that you're coming over."

Holly was looking through the oven door as she spoke.

Toot, said The Elephant.

"Have you heard anything from the hospital? How are your friends?"

"They seem to be ok, but it is all a bit of a mess. Sam is stable, he is already conscious, but Andy is still shaken up. And Nick is going around telling everyone just how fine he is, looking like a beet up dog. Chloe is unconscious, the doctors say that she is as stable as she can be at this point. Her husband is with her. And Dov refuses to leave the hospital."

Holly opened the refrigerator and stood looking for something inside. She tilted her head to the side and Gail felt heat rising in her cheeks as she started at expanse of Holly's neck. Such an utterly innocent thing hadn't evoked a reaction in Gail since she was 12. When things were simple. When things were just things.

"Chris and I decided that if he doesn't come home by tomorrow evening, we'll take action. We have no idea what kind of action, but things will happen. And Oliver is, well, he's Oliver. They discharged him. I stopped by his place on my way here. He seems a bit shaken up, but still the same old cop nevertheless. He'll be back on duty in no time."

It will never be the same again, though. Gail realized that after leaving Oliver's home and driving towards Holly's apartment. Nothing in her life would go back to how it was before those couple of days. Maybe Chris was right, maybe you get to see the stars when it is the darkest. But Gail already saw them, plenty bright, now she wanted the light of the day once again.

They were getting plates out, portioning the food, without any deliberation. This stuff was so simple with Holly. There was no need for clarifications, no need to remind her that Gail was allergic to tomatoes or that she hated when plates were warmed in advance. And she was not fancy enough to drink beer from a glass. And that cheese puffs were meant to eat straight from the pack, obviously. Yes, it appeared suddenly to Gail, Holly could easily domesticate her. She wouldn't even need to try hard. Something no one in her past managed to do.

"Lets take the food to the living-room. The game is just about to start, I don't want to miss the beginning."

"God, I should have known you weren't kidding when you said there would be hockey."

Gail groaned. It was bad enough as it was, she already could name most of the teams and even some of the players. Holly was pushing it. Gail heard her laughing.

"I think what you meant to say was- thank you, Holly, for this awesome dinner and for allowing my ungrateful ass to sit on your awesome couch."

They sat eating the dinner, watching the game. A comment thrown here and there. Just Holly, Gail and the endless 3 feet of space of empty couch between them. The Elephant stayed in the kitchen, though he would have fit in between them just fine.

Gail's phone buzzed waking her up from a heavy haze set by her full stomach.

"_Dov is home. He doesn't look that good. Convinced him to sleep for a bit. Don't worry."_

Gail had mentioned to Chris that she was going to Holly's. He didn't ask any questions. He also seems to have assumed that she wouldn't be coming home for the night.

Gail put the phone back on the table and moved slightly on the couch. Holly's eyes never left the tv screen, but her arm went up, making room for Gail. She planted herself firmly against the pathologist's side. One arm around her waist. When Gail inhaled deeply she could smell it. The smell she caught for the first time in the closet during Frank's wedding. Holly's smell. And here she was, only a few weeks later, snuggling with her on her couch watching a hockey game. And Holly wouldn't look at her. At least not the way that she usually did.

The fucking Elephant tooting merrily in the kitchen, drowning out the commentator.

"Is it because of how I acted when you came over to the station? Look, I was worried, and everybody was there and shit was hitting the fan on all possible fronts. I didn't know how to react. I mean I'm sorry, I know I wasn't exactly smooth."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, come on, Holly. You're being weird. And not your usual I-work-with-dead-people weird, but proper weird."

Holly's eyes were still glued to the tv.

"Let's just watch the game."

"No."

"Gail, I'm not being weird. Really. And it's not about the station. Maybe. Well, probably, mostly not. I just..."

Holly was frowning now, starting to ramble. She exhaled slowly.

"I just don't want you to be that straight girl."

"What straight girl?"

"That straight girl that every lesbian has. The one that once upon a time was just a straight friend. A fun, and interesting, and beautiful friend. And most importantly one day that friend decided she might not be all that straight. I'll just skip forward to the part where she is knocked up and married to some random guy, while the lesbian is left behind to pick up the pieces."

"Holly, do you have that straight girl?"

"No. And I don't want you to be mine."

"I'm not going to..you know...I..."

Gail went silent. How could she explain? How could she tell Holly that she made everything ok? And that she was the reason that made Gail get through the shift without hitting anyone in frustration? How Gail wondered if she should call Holly, tell her that everything was ok? How she wondered that every five minutes all through the day?

"Gail, it's ok. I think, at least I would like to think that I know you well enough, or that you are too crazy to be that flaky straight girl, but can we just sit like this? And watch that damn game. We'll figure it out. I like you. I like you very much, and we will figure it out. Just not tonight. You know, that whole cheesy 'one step at a time' thing? Let's do that."

Holly hugged Gail closer to her.

The tooting was gone, The Elephant silent. Gail realized, there was no elephant anymore, instead her heart was beating hard, blood whooshing somewhere in her ears as she was running like a madwoman on the slippery hardwood floors with a chainsaw in her hands. Only this time she didn't need Helga to tell her to be careful.


	3. Chapter 3: The Ocean

Thanks again for all the reviews:) I'll be honest, it motivates. And makes me all kinds of giddy:)

Hope you enjoy this one:)

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She was falling. She was falling and any moment now there was supposed to be the inevitable contact with the bottom of whatever this was. It only lasted a few moments, but it seemed that her whole body managed to get ready for the hit. All muscles rock hard, tendons stretched to their limits and brain completely blank, except for one thought- the fall.

Suddenly- she wasn't falling anymore. Gail twitched awkwardly and woke up completely disoriented. She could see a TV playing informercials in front of her, darkness of the night outside the window. And three hands on her stomach. Oddly enough she only seemed to be able to move one of them. There were also three legs in front of her on the coffee table. The table itself didn't seem too familiar either. Nothing made sense until Gail felt the surface on which she was half sprawled on shift. One of the three hands moved. So this one was definitely not Gail's. She turned her head and it all became clear. Holly was stirring awake almost underneath Gail. Still half asleep they tried to untangle the mess that was their limbs. It turned out, two of the three hands were Gail's, one was simply asleep enough to refuse to move completely.

"Jesus, Holly, did you spike the food? I don't even remember anything."

"Funny. Yeah, it's nice to know you can reach your usual levels of delightfulness being only half conscious."

The clock on the DVD player blinked a dreadful 03.15.

"Gail, you should just stay here. It'd be ridiculous for you to go anywhere tonight."

"You do know how the whole spiking thing works, right? You're not supposed to ask me to bed nicely after it wears off".

But Gail was awake now, all of her extremities in check. She was clearly aware of where she was, how suggestively dark it was in the apartment, and how she blushed at her own joke. No. The apartment was unreasonably warm. She had stopped blushing somewhere along the time she stopped believing in girl cooties.

"You laugh now, but you'd be surprised how often the option of sedation comes to mind while spending time with you."

Holly smiled. Though Gail was still not sure if she was kidding. But it didn't really matter, because Holly took her hand and pulled her up from the sofa.

"Come here. I'll give you something to put on for the night. There are new toothbrushes in the bathroom. Help yourself."

She went through the washing up and changing on autopilot. No, Gail forced herself to go though all of that on autopilot. She knew that actually thinking about it would end with her freaking out. Though there was no gear or magic button in her control system to block out the fact that she was standing at the end of a bed in Holly's bedroom, listening to her brush her teeth in the bathroom. That the bedside lamp managed to create perfect shadows, and the bed looked like the most inviting and the scariest thing Gail has ever had to face. A bed of a woman. Not just a woman- the woman that only a few hours ago had called her "that straight girl". She should just take it head on. She knew that. She also knew that she was wearing Holly's t-shirt and Holly's shorts. They were so soft, so fresh, so lovely and so Holly.

Gail's thoughts seemed to be heavy, as if she was being submerged, her clothes drenched in water. Pulling her to the floor of The Ocean, wild waves crashing somewhere above her, a storm taking reign. Yet, all of her blood arrested somewhere in the pit of her stomach.

"Is everything ok? I told you, if... If this makes you uncomfortable one of us can sleep on the couch."

Holly was out of the bathroom. Looking even more cozy with her hair down and a baggy t-shirt. And shorts. Such short shorts with those legs. Gail knew she was staring, but it didn't really matter. The smooth olive skin, all unbearable length of it, the wind howling and waves surging above her.

"And I told you it was fine. I just didn't know which side of bed you usually sleep in. I know how you nerds are about your rules and habits."

Holly looked her in the eye. Gail knew, she would never be able to lie to this woman.

"The left. The one closer to the window."

"Holly, I might not be a scientist, but I can tell which side is left. So, I get the right then. Don't be a cover hog, I tend to get cold at night."

She didn't know, why said that. But it felt right, like something that Holly had to know.

They climbed into the bed, Holly turned off the light. The bedroom seemed to be even more quite in the darkness. Gail lied stiff as a log on the right side of the bed. Her side of the bed. Because now she apparently had a side in Holly's bed. They were doing everything backwards. But in the darkness it didn't seem such a terrible idea.

"Thank you. For everything."

For smiling at me while I'm being a bitch. For taking care of me when Chris' son was missing. For not taking any of my shit. For calling me and checking up on me. For mothering me when I eat crap. For giving me so much space. For feeding me, for holding me, for...

The uneasy waters rolling, waves rising, sinking ships and destroying harbors.

"Gail, you don't need to thank me for 'everything'. "

She wasn't getting it. Gail had to clarify, somehow. The darkness helped. In certain ways. It was also a hindrance.

Gail stretched out her arm, found Holly's hand. Traveling up to her neck, she moved in closer, trying to touch her face gently with her fingers, making sense of where everything was. Holly was smiling, Gail realized.

"If this is you trying to kiss me in the dark, it must be the least smooth attempt I've experienced since I was a teenager. You can't seriously tell me this is the best you can do, Officer."

"Oh, shut up."

They were both laughing quietly. Gail's hand on Holly's cheek, touching her smile, half bent above Holly. She lowered her face and felt warm fingers at the base of her head, smooth lips on her own. A completely natural progression, a most straightforward solution to a problem that Gail wasn't even aware of having. But then again, she wasn't aware of much in general while those smooth lips were sliding against hers. The Ocean forgotten and the waves smashing neglected once the tip of her tongue connected with Holly's. Gail was right here, right now. Only that. And just like that it was over.

"We should really sleep. We need to get up in a few hours."

Gail knew Holly was right. But her neck at the absence of Holly's hand knew differently. She did roll back to her side of the bed, her heart doing it's own rolls to a crazy beat, her fingertips tingling in an annoying oh-you-have-a-crush prepubescent way. Gail was trying to figure out who was the last person who'd made her feel this way. Nothing came to mind. But it might have been that Holly was lying right there. Next to her. All warm and smooth and so reachable.

Hell knew what was happening in The Ocean above her. Its heavy presence looming over Gail.

"Gail, you need to sleep."

"I didn't say anything."

"Yeah, not with your mouth. I can't even imagine what kind of mayhem is going on in that head of yours."

Holly took Gail's hand, interlaced their fingers. There wasn't even a grain of sleep left in Gail's head.

"There is no way that I will manage to go back to sleep. The moment has passed."

"You are quite a lot like a child, aren't you?"

"Just tell me what do you do, when you can't sleep."

"I don't think I remember the last time I couldn't sleep. Probably all the smart work, and thinking, and nerd-ing tires me out enough for me to pass out successfully every night. But when I was still in med school, whenever I had trouble sleeping, I would revise anatomy in my head. It always worked."

"Revise anatomy? Holly, are you being serious? You used to bore yourself to sleep?"

Gail felt a shift in the bed, sensed a warm body next to hers with a potentiality greater than The threatening Ocean held. A gentle, confident hand came in contact with her stomach. It lied there completely still. Holly's breath almost, nearly, but not quite yet on Gail's cheek. And the silent, treacherous undercurrents bellow the waters surface.

"The abdomen has all these different layers, which you have to know if you're going to go cutting into people. Alive or dead, likewise. First there is the skin, underneath it- the subcutaneous fat. Below that there are the muscles of the abdominal wall, covered in connective tissue, which forms sheaths and fascia of the muscles. There are a few main muscles, their fibers go in different directions. Going from the outside in the first one is the external abdominal oblique muscle, then there is the internal abdominal oblique muscle and underneath them both- the transversus abdominus muscle."

Holly's hand started to move slowly, her finger barely felt though the t-shirt, tracing, Gail assumed, all of the mentioned structures. Her every word registering with a prickling on Gail's neck. The Ocean washing out the wreck of sunken ships to the shore with unnecessary and uncontrollable force. If Holly thought this was a good way to put Gail to sleep she was out of her mind.

Gail felt Holly's hand ran down her stomach in the midline.

"...the rectus abdominis muscle. Below all those muscles, and all of their sheaths and fascia there is the peritoneum and all of the internal organs. There are also weaker segments of the wall that all doctors must know. Like the inguinal triangle."

Her hand dipped lower and stopped near her hipbone, half on the t-shirt and half covering Gail's shorts. Based on the response the touch evoked in her, Gail was sure it was certainly one of her weaker segments. At the moment, it seamed, the weakest. She could feel her cheeks heat in the dark of the bedroom.

"That's were the majority of abdominal hernias happen. It's because-"

"Ok, stop. I get it. Anatomy is not boring. It is, in fact, exceedingly exciting. You made your point, and it has been noted."

Holly chuckled in that deep and lazy way that made Gail think of her lopsided smile. The audio version of it. She rolled back to her side of the bed, to the one closer to the window, with Gail's hand still in hers.

"Sleep Gail. Work will be hell tomorrow if you don't. For both of us."

Waves breaking in a continuous rhythm, ocean foam covering everything in it's way, the water rocking the world into oblivion. There, in the darkness of Holly's bedroom, for the first time in Gail's life, she realized she could actually live with it. Without trying to get away form The Ocean, without looking for ways how to battle it or to swim to the surface she knew never existed.

"Why did you become a forensic pathologist?"

"Gail. It is 4 in the morning."

"Yeah, but you are really smart. And as far as I get you went through the same kind of medical school as all the living-people- doctors do. You could have become any kind of doctor you wanted. And you chose the people who don't really need medicine any more. And don't give me that 'they deserve their stories to be told' crap. We're not on Oprah."

Holly was silent for a moment. Long enough for Gail to think that she wasn't going to answer.

"It's not about me being smart or not smart enough to be a pathologist, or a physician, or a surgeon, or whatever. I just find it interesting. I like that everything in pathology makes sense. If there is a reason for something, if there is a problem of some sort- you can cut the person open and find it. Touch it with your hands and find it with a microscope. There is no guessing or assuming. Everything is logical and explicable. You can always trace the whole sequence of events which led to a person's death. You can actually trace the majority of the life that a person has led, after his death. Because it is all there, you just have to know where to look. And be patient. Also, the silence. I love the silence. You understand what I mean, I know that you like my lab. I know how lame this might sound, but I just feel completely centered standing in my lab, the stillness in the air, a scalpel in my hand. It all becomes delightfully simple. All I need to do is be precise and patient. It's all that it takes."

Holly was silent for a moment. The only sound in the room was the deep breathing next to her. She felt Gail's hand go limp in hers at some point. Finally falling asleep on her side of the bed. The Ocean calm, barely a breeze on its surface.


	4. Chapter 4: The Mountain

**Hello. We meet again:) Thanks for the comments. They are greatly appreciated:). Always:). **

**annabanana6- you see? 5 days since the last update:) So- not a week:) I'm happy you're enjoying it, but I'm afraid my daily life is a bit too..I don't know, too distracting probably, I can't really manage an update every couple of days:) Anyway, hope you enjoy this one:)**

**Hope you all enjoy:)**

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The snowflakes were falling in chunks, their lightness and elegance long forgotten. They seemed to have come out of nowhere and were overtaking everything humanity had to offer. The cars, the street laps, the pavements- all objects, all surfaces covered in heavy whiteness. Gail's mind seemed to have been enveloped in the dense peaces of snow as well. She couldn't shake the memories form her mind. Memories of her and Steve on a hill, holding onto her sledge, trembling with anticipation mixed with a fair amount of fear.

After she turned 5, her parents would always do that. They would leave Steve and her with their grandparents in their countryside house during the heaviest snowfalls. "The clean fresh air", they used to say. But the truth is, the kids were off school and the older generation of Pecks were more than capable of ensuring the correct environment for well-conducted children. And they were. Steve and Gail learned all the rules as fast as a child possibly could. They also learned the recriminations for their "evil-doings" early on. So they stayed inside the lines. They learned how to anticipate the lines before they were even drawn. Survival of the fittest. With time, they even came to enjoy the time spent in the vast expanses of the Peck land. Because the grandparents, the lines, the rules- it was only a small part of it all. The other part was quite fun. The part were Steve and Gail could enjoy just being kids that they were.

Every time it was snowing heavily, Steve would wake her up as early as he himself, still being a lanky teenager, would be able to get up. Early enough for it to be still dark outside, and even more so exciting for Gail. He would wake her up, they would get their sledges and go to The Mountain. To the tiny blonde girl that Gail was, The Mountain was not just a simple hill, it was not just a rise in the earth's conformation. It was a phenomenon. It held so much mystery and not quite understood meaning. She was not allowed to come near it or climb it by herself, let alone go sledding on it. It was gigantic. As steep as a child's mind could comprehend. There were trees all over it, making it appear even more mystical. In the darkness of the early hours it always looked so daunting. It reminded Gail of the pictures seen in the books that Helga would occasionally show her. And so every time Steve and her would come to The Mountain, Gail would think that there was a witch, or a sorcerer, or a talking wolf somewhere in there. And there also had to be a girl whom they all were scheming to trick and catch. But surely, it couldn't be Gail, because the girl in the books was always alone. With her, there was always Steve. Was that why her grandparents never allowed her to go to The Mountain alone? They thought that she wouldn't be able to protect herself?

Even all these years later, sitting in a squad car with Nick, seeing all the snow, she couldn't shake the memory from her mind. She probably never would. There were much more enticing thoughts creeping in the back of her mind. Fresher thoughts. Gail partly hoped that from now on, she would be able to associate those with heavy snow. She was glad that Nick was driving and thoroughly invested in the traffic, because she was sure that she wasn't able to contain the smile completely. She could still feel the hand on the small of her back as Holly whispered in her ear.

"Gail, you need to get up".

Gail never slept on her stomach. Yet here she was. Surrounded in the warmth that Holly's bed generously supplied.

"No".

She buried her face deeper in the pillow and felt Holly's hand start moving in small circles.

"Gail."

Holly was smiling. Her name sounded different when she said it smiling.

"You really need to get up. I already made coffee. Come on".

Gail didn't even want coffee. She turned her head and and saw all the snow outside the window. No. She wanted to stay in bed. With Holly, preferably.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes."

Holly's voice sounded much closer now. Gail felt a kiss partly on hear ear, partly lost somewhere in her hair. It was such a small thing. But Gail couldn't help smiling into the pillow.

"Please get up. I really don't want to resort to something as sadistic as cold water this early in the morning."

The soft voice swam languidly somewhere in Gail's head as she looked out the window of the police car and tried to at least pretend to be paying attention. She woke up in Holly's bedroom only a few hours ago and it already seemed so far away, already a fully formed and ripened memory.

"Are we going to be silent the whole day?"

Nick didn't seem to be comfortable. Not comfortable at all. Which was rather baffling, because Gail knew him well enough. He wasn't one of the guys, who had trouble with silence. Though that didn't matter anymore, her knowing him. On some level, the whole situation felt like an out of body experience. Yes. Nick hurt her. And yes, she acted on an impulse. Like a true idiot that she sometimes could be. At this point Gail felt like she had witnessed all of that crap from a distance. With an unsettling detachment. What she did feel like a blow to her gut, was Andy. That would require time to be evened out. But Gail would deal with that. People doing crappy things were not news to her. So when she came to the station in the morning and saw that she was going to ride with Nick, she promised herself to be uninvolved, to behave.

"What do you want to talk about? How you fell in love with another woman while we were together, or how that woman is right now in the hospital worried sick about another guy?"

Because fuck promises.

Nick was silent and Gail knew. The blow made contact. It resonated in her as well, shuddering her conscience. And they say that the first instinct is usually the right one.

They had a long relationship. All on her terms, so not quite conventional, but relationship of sorts. It mattered a great deal to Gail, despite the way it had ended. So, logically, it wouldn't have been so easy to kick him while he was on the ground, if she was a decent human being. But sure as hell, she wasn't going to console him about Andy. He could fight his own demons.

As they rounded another corner, Gail remembered how when was 8 years old, she decided to face hers. Steve and her were once again staying with their grandparents. She had woken up early and simply lain in the bed for a while. Mustering the willpower to move. The decision was already made, she just needed to go through with it. Gail got up, dressed in an almost ceremonial fashion, left the house in utter silence, got the sledge and began her journey to The Mountain. Her grandparents still not letting her go sledding alone was ridiculous. She was already 8. That was what she kept muttering to herself in a silent prayer as she stood at the very top of The Mountain. All she needed to do was push off. Just one kick with her legs and it would all be over. At 8 years old, she already knew that she was a Peck, she knew what that meant. So she closed her eyes and pushed as hard as her short childlike legs allowed. The speed was exhilarating, the crash- unexpected. Her small body was thrown of the sledge with a huge force and the air left her lungs with a loud puff. She couldn't force herself to breath properly, not sure whether due to the pain or to the fear, that she would be found out. No, it was the pain. It was also the first time ever, that Gail cursed loudly. She was hurt, she was scared and she was embarrassed. The 8 year old Gail was sure, she would never tell anyone about it.

Yet that morning, standing in Holly's kitchen after finally having gotten out of the bed, 8 year old Gail didn't have much say. They were finishing drinking coffee when Holly leaned forward and traced Gail's left collarbone with her warm hand.

"What happened here?"

Gail sometimes even forgot about the tiny, thread-like scar. Though every time she saw it in a mirror, it never failed to remind her of The Mountain.

"I had a little accident as a kid. I was being an idiot, really. Broke my collarbone. I remember the doctor telling me, that those kind of brakes usually healed well all on their own, but me being me, I managed to dislocate the broken parts of the bone so much that in the end I needed surgery to get it fixed."

Holly just raised an eyebrow and smiled. She leaned in, lowered her head and kissed the tiny scar. Gail was sure that the bone was fine now, and didn't need to be kissed to be made better. But she wasn't about to protest.

"Tell me."

"What?"

"Tell me how you broke it."

Nobody had ever really asked to elaborate the 'I was an idiot kid' version.

"It is really not that exciting, I was just a kid being a kid."

"Gail knowing you know, I'm pretty sure you were not just a boring kid being a kid. Come on, tell me."

So Gail told her. About The Mountain and about her trying to prove the world that she was an unstoppable 8 year old. A force to be reckoned with. And about the tree that reckoned and won. For the first time in her life she laughed about it, because with Holly it was simple. Still sort of embarrassing, but together they seemed to be able to find all of her shameful moments funny.

"I see you weren't exactly fitness prone from early on".

Holly said trying to take a hold of her laughter and put on a serious face. She was enjoying this too much.

"I would hardly call sitting on a sledge and going down a hill a real physical activity".

"Well, it was physical enough for you to brake bones."

Gail wanted to say something witty, a proper Gail Peck comeback, but she just stood in the middle of the kitchen, smiling like an utter idiot. Holly's eyes were sparkling with the contained laughter, her lips once again doing that infuriating lopsided grin thing. The truth was, there was no need for a biting remark, or a funny retort. Gail stepped forth, putting all of herself in Holly's personal space, for a split second seeing her eyes go serious. Just a small moment before their lips collided. It was not slow, it was not gentle, their lips didn't meet in a sensual dance. No. It was a collision. Hot and hard. Lips, teeth and tongues.

When Gail stepped back, Holly was breathing hard. She was looking at the ground and shaking her head, smiling seemingly to herself.

"Fine, Gail. Sledding should not be considered a real physical activity".

When she was driving to the station, Gail could still feel the tingling in her lips. And the heaviness at the pit of her stomach. And well, the tiny voice in her head celebrating the little victory. She was sure that fitness and sledding had nothing in common. But what she was ready to admit, at least silently to herself, was that the way to her grandparents house, after the accident had been almost beyond her physical limits. The pain that she felt was excruciating, the fear of everybody finding out about her not abiding the rules, blood-chilling. And the shame of failing. Worse of all.

The distance from The Mountain to the house seemed to had had tripled since the last time she had walked it. The was no end to it. Part of her was happy though. She needed time to figure out what to do. Once she finally reached the house, still silent, all inhabitants still sleeping, she was already crying. Her lower lip trembling, tears rolling down her cheeks, thin blonde hair all messed up on her head. And looking as miserable as that, she took a deep breath and stepped into Steve's room.

Gail woke her brother up. And once she saw the the worry in his eyes, the tears were no longer rolling, they were streaming. She had a hard time talking. And Steve said nothing for a while. Gail was not worried he would rat her out. At that point she had started not to care about much in general, the pain was getting so bad.

"You just had to do this alone, didn't you?"

That was all he said, as he started getting dressed. He was trying to look angry, but now, looking back, Gail knew he was scared just as much as she was.

Steve dressed up in all of his usual sledging clothes, went outside to roll around in the snow a bit, and then ran into their grandparent room dramatically, dragging Gail behind himself. He told them, and later on, their parents, how they both went sledding and Gail got hurt.

Nobody ever found out. He got in a bit of trouble for not looking after her, but he never said a thing. And that morning, sitting in the emergency room, Gail knew she didn't always need to do things alone. Steve had her back. He was standing there even when she thought she was alone.

So, when , before the shift, before finding out she would be ridding with Nick, with her lips still tingling Gail ran into Steve in the station and he looked at her for a good minute and finally said-

"So. Holly?"

Gail was not worried.

"Yes."

"She seems cool."

"She is."

"That's ok, then."

Steve walked off with a smile and left Gail standing there, for the first time in a long while completely sure that it was, indeed, all ok.


	5. Chapter 5: The First, Part 1

**I know. It took a while. In my defence- a week from hell. Truly. So to those who are reading this- sorry for the delay.**

**Thank you again, to all the people who like, favourite, follow, and comment, and simply read my stuff:). Your comments tickle me in all the good places:).**

**As a "sorry for the long wait", this one is a bit longer. Hope you enjoy it. Comments always welcome:).**

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"Do I look ok?"

She knew she looked good. Gail always looked good. Standing in front of a mirror, wearing a deep blue dress, black heels she looked better than good. She knew that the dress made her ass look divine. But it sort of covered up her cleavage completely. Has Holly ever looked at her breasts? Maybe she was into breasts? What Gail was sure of, she had spied Holly a couple of times checking out her ass, so she must appreciate it. But she wasn't sure about the whole cleavage thing.

"You look hot. And since when do you doubt your looks?"

Tracy was lying on Gail's bed, watching her friend turn in circles in front of the mirror for the good part of the last hour.

"I'm not doubting my looks. It's just. I'm not sure. I don't want to look my usual good, but 'good' good, you know?"

Gail was pulled at different parts of the dress trying to reveal more skin without going too far. Holly didn't seem like the kind who would appreciate slutty. Besides, based on the heart rate that Gail had been generating for the few hours, she wasn't feeling brave enough, or, honestly, slutty enough to actually pull of slutty. Her palms were sweating and she could feel blood rushing in her ears.

"So let me get this straight," Tracy sat up on the bed, "You called her, you asked her out. Picking her up and all, getting reservations to some fancy place, basically going all the way. You even asked me to help, HELP you get ready. And now you're the nervous one. Seriously, Gail, what's going on?"

Gail could remember so clearly now- David Strognovski. The first boy she went on a real date with. She could remember how he showed up on her doorstep, all twitchy and sweaty, his hands shaking slightly. There was so much product in his hair, Gail failed to figure out whether it was sweat of hair gel trickling down the sides of his forehead. David, being 15 and probably at the most awkward stage of any teenagers life, obviously didn't know what to do with his comically long limbs. His eyes kept darting away from Gail and he laughed at everything Gail said. Even when she wasn't kidding. And all Gail could do the whole time, was wonder if all dates were that uncomfortable? Why were all the girls so excited to date then? Sitting in the movie theater with David and him trying to "accidentally" touch her hand was miserable. Gail, hard as she tried, could not grasp why he was so nervous around her. It took her all of 10 minutes to get ready for the date. She threw on jeans, a t-shirt, a jacket and a pair of shoes. Since it was her first official date, she decided to throw in some real effort- she braided her hair. And that idiot was sitting there, pretending to cough to touch his leg to hers.

By the end of the date, when David walked her home and planted a sloppy, kind-of-on-the-lips-but-not-entirely kiss on her, she was sure that it was him. He had to be the problem. It was impossible to believe that all the girls went crazy for this. And as she watched him walk down the street, with sweat stains under his arms brightly illuminated by the streetlights, Gail could not understand, what the hell was wrong with him?

Remembering David now made her smile at her own reflection in the mirror. There was nothing wrong with him, but it took her more than 10 years to realize that.

"Nothing is going on. Tracy, don't you get it? I have no idea, what I'm doing. When I said that this Holly thing is sort of different, I wasn't lying."

"What do you mean? What about all the other times you went out?"

"That's the point. We went out a few times. But as friends, sort of. That's the different part. We were, still are, really, friends. And now something is going on, and I don't know who, or what, or...We're going on a date. A first one, really. And I asked her out, and this is ridiculous. God, this is all so ridiculous..."

Gail was shaking her head. Maybe it had been a bad idea? Calling and asking Holly out on a whim. Well, not a whim, to be exact. Holly has been great to her. She took care of Gail, she was patient, she was understanding, she was there. Even in the messed up land of Gail-logic it was glaringly obvious, she had to take a step. A real one, nothing to do with cheese puffs or beer. So a few nights ago, she paced her room for a good 20 minutes, and dialed Holly's phone number. She wasn't even sure what she would say. Standing in front of the mirror in her blue dress now, Gail couldn't remember exactly what she had said. Her brain blocking out all of the embarrassing babbling she did. But the end result was a date. She was supposed to pick up Holly at 7 pm. And take her out to dinner. Just like a real normal grown up people that have dates with other real normal grown up people did. Gail could see a reflection of Tracy's smiling face in the mirror.

"Oh. So, you're just nervous? But if you're friends it's even more simple. You already like her. And know her. You can be sure she won't be some merry man with a fake accent."

Yeah, Gail knew she already liked her. Maybe that was the problem. She liked her very much, and she had no idea how to go about it.

"Tracy, what the hell would you do if you we're going on a date with a woman? I just don't know, how.. Like, do I get her flowers? Am I supposed to?"

Tracy was straight out laughing. It was unnerving. Gail kept thinking about the flowers the whole day. It would be nice, right? (She wasn't going to admit to anyone that she eventually ended up googling lesbians and flowers, with some unexpected and fascinating results). The point was, Gail found it awkward when guys have tried giving her flowers in the past, but it felt different when she thought about getting some for Holly. Not completely normal, definitely not, but.. Different. Holly would probably like it. And that was the point, wasn't it?

"I really don't think that there is a rule book that you're supposed to follow. If you want to get her flowers, you get her flowers. Gail, don't make it complicated."

"Why does it feel like it already is?"

"No, it is not. You're just being you."

It was a good idea asking Tracy to help with the clothes, after all. She was right. This didn't need to be complicated. She wouldn't complicate it. It was only Holly. Fun, smart, nerdy, hilarious Holly. Furthermore, at this point Gail was pretty sure that Holly liked her as well. The awkward need to impress was out of the way. So. Chill.

She kept silently chanting that to herself while buying flowers, while driving to Holly's, while climbing the stairs. And those 5 minutes in front of Holly's apartment door, not knocking quite yet, it was pure chill. Oh, definitely. She. Was. Chill. And she was going to hit the door in a second.

This was ridiculous. She faced angry people, with guns and shit every day. Not only faced, she chased them herself, she got shot at, she shot at people herself. She put her own life in danger every day, and she was afraid of a fucking door.

She raised her hand, suddenly made out of lead, apparently, and knocked.

Longest 30 seconds in the world. Still chill, though.

"Oh, hi. Hi. Ahh, come in."

Well, at least Gail wasn't the only one nervous. Going into the apartment she looked at Holly head to toe. She was wearing black pants, similar to the ones she had worn at the wedding and a shirt, that seemed to fit her like a glove at all the important parts, and then fall loosely at others. It was an intentionally cunning shirt, in a way. Because at the first glance- it was simply elegant. But when Gail took a second look it made her swallow hard and want for that third, much closer look.

When Gail finally raised her eyes to Holly's face, she saw her smiling, to say it lightly. She was smiling wide enough to turn her head inside out if it were not for the ears.

"You brought flowers?"

"Yeah, I thought you might like that and. Yeah. I don't know. I guess it was sort of stupid."

Nevertheless, she raised her arm along with the flowers, fully outstretched in front of her. Like a real 5 year old that she felt like at that moment. And Holly was still smiling, with Gail or at Gail, not quite clear yet.

"No, it was not stupid, you were right- I like them," Holly took the flowers stepping closer to Gail. "I like them very much. Thank you."

The tiny kiss, just a peck really was quick enough for Gail to remind of the wedding again. She barely even closed her eyes. But Holly liked the flowers and so it was not a stupid idea.

"We should go right? You mentioned a reservation?"

Gail just nodded her head.

A reservation indeed. She had spent longer than she'd ever had on looking for a place to have dinner, that was fancy, but not too fancy. And then jumped over ridiculous hoops to actually get a reservation for a friday night on short notice. Pulling on all the fake strings that she could come up with. Supposedly it was going to be worth it, or at least that's was the 50 reviews she read had promised.

Holly put on her coat and walked towards the door.

"Just don't open the door for me, ok? I feel like maybe we should draw the line at you buying me flowers."

"O, God, shut up."

But despite herself, Gail was still laughing with Holly as they stepped outside to walk to her car.

The first boyfriend, the first real official boyfriend Gail could remember having was Patrick Ferguson. They had been friends for awhile when he simply suggested they went on a date. He was sort of a goofy, funny guy that Gail actually enjoyed spending time with. And he wasn't nervous around her. So when they went out on a date, it was fine. No sweat, no awkwardness on his part. Though Gail wasn't really sure how them going on a date was different from them simply hanging out like they used to do. It certainly felt the same. Sure he would hold her hand or kiss her now and then, but that was sort of expected when you dated someone. And he did kiss better then the Strognovski boy.

Gail and Patrick have been going steady. Well, they have been going out for a month or so, but when you're 16 years old, a month is as steady as the teenage brain can comprehend. Patrick drove them out to one of those remote places of the city, where teenagers came to splatter their hormones. And for the first time in her life Gail made out with someone in the back of a car. It was uncomfortable. It was either one of his limbs or some part of the car digging in painfully into her. But over all it wasn't bad. Wasn't particularly exciting either. That made Gail uneasy. She wasn't exactly friendly with the girls from her school, but she couldn't avoid hearing how they gushed over guys. And how excited they got when they kissed them or held hands. And making out in the back of a car- that was simply heaven on earth. All kinds of butterflies in all kinds of places. And having dated Patrick for a month she was still waiting on those to wake up inside her. Could she once again blame it on Patrick? Maybe there was something wrong with her? Talking to someone at school was out of the question. All those babbling idiots would probably think that she was just a freak. So Gail did the only think she could come up with. She waited until Steve came home from the academy for a visit. They were plowing the snow in their yard, when she asked him, "Do you ever get butterflies in your stomach?"

When he looked up at Gail she was staring at the ground, clearing the snow with all her strength, heat rising off of her.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, when you're with your girlfriend or something?"

"Not really. Gail, butterflies and all that stuff is for idiots."

Then- it all made sense.

Now, sitting in the cozy restaurant with its intimate lighting, Holly across from her, her brown eyes sparkling more and more with every sip of the wine, her perfume so subtle and yet clearly detectable to Gail among all the smells of the room filled with people, Gail felt her stomach roll around somewhere below her ribcage. It turns out, she was, indeed, an idiot.

They ate, they shared food and laughed. Tracy was right. It was simple. The butterflies fluttered like little maniacs. All those glances and accidental, or not, touches felt blown out of proportion. She realized that she was a grown woman, a police officer with a gun and a corresponding attitude. So this whole nauseous with excitement act was a bit ridiculous. But just a few hours back, she did buy a woman flowers. And as ridiculous as they were, the butterflies felt nice. They made Gail feel alive.

She couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face when she felt a soft hand that Holly placed at the small of her back when they left the restaurant. The cold air hit Gail hard, making her realize how much she didn't want the night to end just yet. She felt Holly's hand on her arm, as she stopped her.

"Look, I had a great time. The food was amazing. And we did the whole proper-date thing. But if you're up for it I know a really fun place just a block from here. No sports involved, I promise."

Holly had a mental "yes" from Gail somewhere along the "if you're up for it" part. The God damn butterflies were making the way up to her brain, because Gail would have said yes, even if it meant going to the bating cages again. There was no other way to explain. Blame the delusion insects.

As they were closing in on the location Gail started laughing.

"Are you kidding me? Seriously? And arcade bar? You're taking me to an arcade bar? After the fancy authentic Italian restaurant with their fancy italian menus and smooth italian waiters."

"Yes. We did the cultured part of the date, and now we're going to do the fun part of the date."

They played everything, except for the sports games. They tried being marines, shooting any target they saw moving, and turned out to both be pretty good at it. They tried being the plumber with a ridiculous mustache and failed miserably, not even getting a glimpse of the princess. They tried being Packman and soon decided that it served only to make them feel inadequate. They tried fighting ridiculous characters in ridiculous locations in Mortal Combat and to Gail's delight, Holy sucked at that. And Gail owned it. She was the grown up woman in an elegant blue cocktail dress and heels squealing like an idiot in the middle of an arcade bar surrounded by guys cheering her on. It was the first time in a while she felt relaxed enough not to think about anything else but the present moment. It was just her, Holly and the cheers of all the guys who had already come to appreciate her awesomeness. At least that's how she saw it and how she explained it to Holly. Feeling the tiny wings ticking her intestines as Holly burst out laughing.

They stumbled back to the car still laughing only when the bar started to threaten to close. The drive to Holly's place was filled with promises and plans to return to the same bar and top all of their highest scores. Just because Gail was convinced she could. And because saying that seemed to work as far as making Holly laugh went.

Beneath all that there was that little voice in the back of her head. It whispered, continuously "what now?".

Gail could remember clearly how Patrick had told her about his parents going out of town for a weekend and how they should hang out. The whole weekend. Meaning her staying over for the night. They had done that when they were still only friends, but never since they started dating. They had been together for a little over a year, both of them 17 now. And it had been a month since she saw the condom in his wallet. It might have been just something guys carried around, but she wasn't stupid. They were one of the last couples she knew who weren't "doing it". Patrick didn't push, Gail certainly wasn't going to. But seeing that condom made her feel sad. Not because she didn't find him attractive, or because she was afraid he would try doing something she didn't want to do. Gail felt sad because she realized that he was a great guy. A really cool, nice guy and an amazing friend. The truth was, that's how she still saw him- as a friend. And he honestly deserved someone who would see him differently. Some idiot girl with her idiot butterflies who would jump at the chance to go all the way with the guy that she had been dating for a year. Her still seeing him, it suddenly felt simply unfair. But she didn't know how to get out of it. She didn't know if she even needed to get out of it. Maybe, she did love him, in her own way? Maybe she was just weird?

She had almost convinced herself of that, but climbing the steps of Patrick's house for the parentless weekend, all she felt was dread. For leading him on for so long, for saying things she didn't necessary mean, and, now that she was standing in front of his door with the overnight bag on her shoulder, possibly going to do things for all the wrong reasons, that she was sure, she would come to regret one day.

Now, sitting in a car next to Holly's apartment building, she was filled with different kind of dread. The butterflies were still, as the decision what the finale of the night would be was being made. Gail wasn't worried about Holly inviting her to come in, even if it was almost the middle of the night... She dreaded to think that the night would end in the car.

"Thanks again for the dinner, it was great. Really. I had an amazing time tonight," Holly said in a way that made Gail realize, that the night was, indeed, about to end.

"Well, thanks for agreeing to go out. I.. I really enjoyed the company. I'll walk you to the door."

Holly smiled.

"Gail, I'm not the kind of girl that has sex on the first date."

Her mouth might have been laughing, but Gail's mind was working overtime trying to push down the blush creeping up her neck.

"I'm sorry, Holly, this is really not about sex. I'm an officer, just doing my duty. Even when I'm not on duty."

"Well, I guess, safety's always first. Lead on, Officer."

They walked in silence and Gail didn't stop at the building door. She didn't stop at the stairs. She did stop at the door to Holly's apartment, but only as long as it took her to unlock it. Once they were inside, the door closed behind them, only then, Holly turned to her, stepping completely into Gail's space and said, "Would you like to check the rooms, the closets or under my bed?"

"No, I think we're all good."

The word hadn't even left Gail's mouth completely as she reached for Holly's face. Every time they kissed Holly's lips were softer. It was probably not true, but that's how it felt to Gail. And every time Holly seemed like a better kisser. Maybe it was simply because they were getting better together, slowly getting used to each other. Their lips now moving in a rhythm, Gail's hand sliding to Holly's neck, underneath her hair. Pulling her impossibly closer. Making Holly press her hard against the wall next to the door. Gail felt Holly trace her lower lip with her tongue and then bite it, teasing her into oblivion. She felt like she had to grab a hold of something, just to anchor herself. She knew she was going to fly off if she didn't. Gail pushed against Holly's tongue hard, trying to regain some control, at the same time feeling Holly unbutton her coat and slide her hands around Gail's waist. Her touch burning through the blue material, the ground disappearing from underneath Gail's feet.

Just as Holly left her lips and started moving along her jawline, behind her ear, her hands moved from Gail's waist, lower, cupping Gail's ass. And Gail was sure, she was a hundred percent certain, that absolutely all of her blood had rushed into her lover abdomen. It might have not been scientifically possible, but there was a first for everything and here she was, a living fucking example. All of her whatever liters of blood pulsing steadily between her legs.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Holly returned her hands to Gail's waist and stopped the kissing.

"Gail, you should probably breathe."

It turned out she had a point. Gail was holding her breath. She exhaled with a loud whooshing sound. Hell knows at which point she had stopped, might have been somewhere along the climbing to Holly's apartment, or the kissing, or the coat unbuttoning,or maybe the ass grabbing. She really had no idea.

"I am breathing."

"Now you are."

"I guess you should take that as a compliment."

"I will. I certainly will. Look, I'm sorry about me basically telling you good bye in the car and then feeling you up. I know, mixed messages and all..."

"You babbling, Holly."

"Ok. Great date, you looked amazing, I wanted to kiss you the whole night. And then the dress. It's just. You look really good in it."

They were still standing close, Holly still wearing her coat, her hands on Gail's waist, her voice only a tone or two above a whisper. Gail had her back against the wall, one of her hands on Holly's neck, feeling it vibrate as she spoke, seeing the pulse beating forcefully in her throat. Making Gail feel oddly proud. She had done that. She had made Holly lose the ability to form coherent sentences even if just for a little while.

"I'll take that as a compliment."

They looked at each other for a while. Gail could feel Holly making tiny circles with her thumbs on her waist. So smooth, so fucking smooth.

"I kind of meant what I said, though. Earlier? About us not sleeping together after the first date?"

What?

"Gail, I think it would be best of you went home now."

"Really?"

"Yeah, remember that whole one at a time step thing we agreed on?"

"And this constitutes a step."

"I think so. We had a really nice date."

"Then you felt up my ass."

"And you stopped breathing."

"I think you might have a point there.. But it is terrible, though, isn't it? First date with a woman, and I'm being rejected."

"You are crazy, you know that?"

"Holly, you said that already."

"Because you are."

"Well, you seem to like it."

Holly was silent for a moment. Just looking at Gail. Saying nothing. Unnervingly.

"Yeah, it seems I do."

It was ridiculous. She was standing there, Holly buttoning up her coat, her eyes never leaving Gail's. Because that's what Holly was trying to make sure of. Gail couldn't be pissed about that. She was just trying to make sure that it wasn't just about them falling into bed. About it being a temporary lesbian freakout for Gail or bedding a straight girl for Holly. But the truth was, and Gail hoped that Holly understood that as well, the truth was that it was not about that any more. It was never about that. Holly was not just a random gay chic, and Gail was not that straight girl. It was never just about sex. It just turned up as possible contributing factor along the way. An extra special possibility in already existing situation. A very very extra special possibility, that Gail had failed to considered before. And now standing in Holly's apartment watching the her struggle with her inner good and bad self, trying to understand what doing the right thing in this situation meant, was ridiculous. It did help knowing that Gail wasn't the only one freaking out about this whole date thing, maybe for different reasons than Holly. Tracy, she said it was simple. The dinner was simple, the arcades were simple, and now, staring at her with the deep brown eyes, Holly was asking her to leave. One step at a time. It was logical. Or it would have been if her blood had already returned to her head. Fuck Tracy and her simple. Gail wasn't even sure anymore, what burned more, Holly's hands or her eyes. Either way, for the first time in her life, Gail finally understood what it felt like to desperately want something. Or someone.


	6. Chapter 6: The First, Part 2

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* * *

It was disgusting. It was horrible. It was simply wrong on so many different levels. The weather was terrible, the air almost freezing cold, but not cold enough for it to be snowing. So instead it rained. Gail was drenched to the bone, the water making her uniform even more heavy. She would have never believed that they even made shoes this heavy. Her lungs were screaming with pain. She would never run again, Gail swore to herself. She would never run, unless her life depended on it. But sure as hell, she wasn't going to stop now. She WAS NOT going to fail her first physical in the academy. She was only a month in and everyone already seemed to know that she was "the Peck". The one, who's mother was way way up on the police ladder, her father- not far behind, and who's brother aced every single test, every physical or tactical exam they threw at him. So there was a bigger chance of the earth opening up beneath her feet, than Gail failing the first physical.

Oh God, she was going to throw up. And she was certain, if she started vomiting now, she would heave out her lungs as well.

She should have trained harder as a teenager. She really should have built up her stamina step by step, gradually. But nooooo. She had to get into this ridiculous situation head first. No clue what she was doing. And now she felt like a 90 year old trying to run a marathon. It was pathetic. It was hard to decide, what was worse, running or feeling pathetic. While running.

She would get a desk job. That's right. That was the plan. She would get through this fucking physical, do the best she could manage, struggle through the academy and once she was on the force, screw it, she would get a desk job. Because there was no way she would run again in this damn uniform. What the hell was her whole family thinking? Who in their right mind would subject themselves to this kind of torture?

She could already see the "target", only a building, really, looming in the distance. It was close. She would make it. Alive, probably.

Now, all this time later, walking knee deep in snow in the middle of nowhere, Gail was revisiting the idea. Sure, now she knew that she would simply go mental without working on the streets and if she were to work a desk job permanently, there would need to be chains involved. But days like this, when she was freezing her ass off and the result of her work depended on actual leg work- her body once again threatened to betray her. Of course, she was in shape. Skirting the edge of the required amount of "shape" necessary for working on the force. But it was not muscles that made her a good cop. Hopefully.

The others were out of breath as well, or at least that was what Gail kept telling herself. It seemed that the whole 15th division was on this field. Early Monday morning. No better way to start the week. During the morning briefing Frank informed everyone of the missing 15 year old girl. Silently assumed to be dead already, her clothes, covered in her blood having been found on the outskirts of Toronto was a pretty irrefutable hint. All things considered, every officer available was sent, along with the canine unite, to the location were the clothes had been found. As Gail learned later- middle of nowhere. Just a field, surrounded by nothing. And the search began. Canvasing the field of nothing. Parents still waiting for the ransom call, half of the city's cops looking for the body.

Gail's phone vibrated silently in her pocket.

"_Hey. Have a nice start of the week. You know, no maniac killers, no life threatening stuff. I'd like a dinner with you and I kind of prefer my dates to be in once piece."_

They kept doing that the whole weekend. Holly might have basically pushed Gail out the door Friday night, but she was less than subtle in making sure that Gail didn't get the wrong idea. Just short, meaningless texts. Asking random questions. Making random jokes. Hinting at a possible dinner sometime in the future. They seemed insignificant at the first glance, but they did warm Gail inside enough to get over the initial frustration. The frustration caused by descending the stairs of Holly's building, by driving home alone. By having to walk through the living room in her house with Tracy and Chris there, still up, playing video games. A walk of shame, of sorts.

She was confused and frustrated for a while. Might or might not have snapped at Chris for buying the wrong kind of cereal. And drinking all the juice. And sitting in the kitchen. But then the texts started coming. And frustration was replaced with self loathing. Why was this happening to her? Was she doing something wrong? Whyyyy? More texts came. With those and some careful ridiculously abstract and noncommittal advice from Chris (not that she would ever actually admit it) , Gail started to realize- this wasn't "happening to her", and she didn't really do anything wrong. They were literally just going slow. Holly was making her go slow. Slower then she ever had. Considering how all of her relationships had unfolded in the past, she was probably right in doing so. The first time they met, Gail told Holly she was a cat. So she was making sure that the climb up the tree was longer so she wouldn't want to...No, she was cutting of the branches, so... She was trying to not let her climb too high, so that...Shit. Gail was still a cat. But Holly, well, Holy was Holly. For the first time in her adult life, there was no tree. So she did, what she had to do. She texted back.

"_Oh, I make no such promises. A true warrior stands in the face of danger unflinching."_

Gail waited a few seconds before typing out another text, pleased with herself. Smiling.

"_I'll call you later about that dinner. A nice monday to you as well, may it be filled with fresh corpses."_

Gail had a feeling. A strong, unbending feeling somewhere in her gut that they were going to find that girl there, in the middle of nowhere. And there would be, indeed, fresh corpses for the pathologists to disassemble. That was what confused Gail the most in this line of work. Well, not her line of work, directly, but what the forensic pathologists did. How they managed to see the dead people only as objects? And pick them apart, like a jigsaw puzzle, picking it apart only to rebuild it later. How did a person acquire that kind of detachment? Sure, those people were dead, but still people, right? She would have to ask Holly about that.

Gail could still remember the first time she saw a dead body. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't some dramatic or traumatic event in her childhood, to scar her for life. She didn't find a dead uncle in the living room, she didn't see her grandfather have a heart attack. The first time she saw a dead body was in the academy. They had a special course on how a police officer was supposed to act, what he was expected to do, and what he was forbidden to do in case of finding a dead body. In order for the students to be prepared, so they wouldn't get freaked if this occasion ever arose, they had to visit a morgue. Quite a grotesque image, a bunch of future policemen and policewomen, like children on a school trip, standing in a little circle. Around a dead body on a table. Gail didn't like it. She didn't like it at all. But is was not the body that set her off. It was this whole idea of all of them just standing around and staring at the corpse like complete idiots. Sure as hell, the tiny frail old lady on the table shouldn't have been subjected to that. She might have been dead, it might have made no difference to her, but it still felt like an offensive thing to do.

Looking at the wrinkly, still features of the woman, Gail felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey. You ok?"

Some random guy. She had seen him around the academy before. A knight in the shining armour, on this particular occasion.

"What?"

He looked at Gail, his brow furrowed.

"You look a bit upset. If you feel dizzy or nauseous, you should probably sit down."

His concern was immensely irritating.

"I'm fine."

"Ok then. I'm Nick."

She looked him up and down in one quick motion. Dismissed.

"Well, good for you."

That day she realized that dead people had something she wished the living ones had. Utter calmness. The serene state of simply being. Gail understood the absurdity of it all, but in her own convoluted way she felt relieved. Relieved that this kind of calmness was even possible. Therefor being there, in the morgue, surrounded by her disgusted future to be colleagues, she felt a delightful absence of any feeling. Well, not any feeling. But there was certainly no stress, no anger and no need to lash out at something or somebody. She knew it was not normal. Just one more thing to the growing list of attributes that made her weird. The more, the merrier. One way or another, she could not deny, that the winds that usually howled within her, were silent next to that poor old lady on the table.

So when she saw the fragile body of a teenage girl, lying frozen in the snow, in the field of nothing, she didn't panic. She didn't scream and didn't overreact. Gail simply sighed, heavily. Such a shame. So young, and so innocent. So many first times, first tries, first fails and first victories lost. Gail hesitated a minute before calling for other officers. She knew that the moment that she called-in the body, there would be a swarm of people around this tiny girl, trampling around, throwing comments, disrupting her personal space. Gail didn't want her to be subjected to that. She was dead, no way to argue that, rigor mortis fully set in (or maybe the freezing temperature playing a part in that as well), but she was still human. Just a teenage girl without anyone to stand next to her as the investigation began. No one to defend her, even though dying didn't make her any less human, any less vulnerable and exposed. The girl was motionless, entirely still in every possible meaning of the word, and that's how she deserved to stay.

Reluctantly Gail raised her hand to her radio and called it in.

In the chaos of people milling all around, trying to organize themselves since the myriad of officers was no longer necessary, Gail stood next to Tracy. Looking and the body.

"The parents are going to be devastated. She's only 15. Who the hell does that to a teenage girl?"

Gail just stood there silent. The deviations of human behavior never failing to surprise her. Tracy cleared her throat.

"Listen, I need someone so accompany the body to the morgue. And stay there, inform us with any news, anything at this point is key. The case is going to be all over the news, Frank will have people from higher up breathing down his neck. We need to solve this as quick as possible. So...Can you go with the body?"

Gail slowly raised her eyes from the now covered body. Breaking out of her trace.

"Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know. With you and Holly, I mean..You know."

"Yeah. It's all fine. I mean. I don't know why you would.. It's ok, I'll go with the body."

Eloquent as ever. Gail turned and walked off, along with the guys carrying the corpse. They seemed unfamiliar. At this point she knew the majority of them. She was even on first name basis with a couple of them, the ones that she shared the ride with the first time she had had to accompany a body.

She could remember sitting in the car, only a few inches away from the body, well, just a bunch of bones, really, listening to the two big forensic technicians, or whatever they were referred to as ("body snatchers" to her), talking about some expansion on some game. All the mind-blowing new units and maps and resolutions other stuff that Gail didn't really care to know about. But they didn't try to talk her up, somehow involve her or ask her about weather. Which was more than acceptable in Gail's opinion. When they finally went silent for a moment, Gail leaned forward, in between them.

"So the nerdy forensics woman. With the lunch box. She new or something? I haven't seen her around before."

"Dr. Stewart? Hell no, she's been here for a while. Maybe your paths just never crossed. A really cool 'forensics woman' if you ask me. At least she's always nice to us. And always chill. There's nothing more annoying than a panicky pathologist, jumping around the scene, screaming about contaminating the evidence. As if we don't know how to handle a dead body."

Gail was no longer needed in the conversation, they continued trashing the pathologists that they have worked with before, Gail not paying attention anymore. Once again, she didn't really need to know all that. She got was she needed. She would have to spend the better part of the day with Dr. Lunchbox, at least she knew that she was supposedly cool.

Now, once again sitting in a car filled with the smell of death, with the body of the teenage girl next to her, driving to the morgue she could remember what a ridiculously soul cleansing experience was that day with Holly in her lab and the bag of bones, that the doctor tried to reassemble. It had been fascinating to watch Holly work. With such precision and patience. Paying no attention to Gail, none whatsoever. Only answering a question when asked, telling Gail not to touch this or that, not to sit on that, hand her this, go and get them both coffee. If Gail asked something, Holly answered. Yes, Holly. The "you calling me Dr. Stewart makes me feel old" issue having been settled right away. How could someone be so simple and yet seem so complicated. Just watching her that day, having tiny bits of scattered conversation she could see the perpetual list of things uncanny about this woman. Gail had a list too. Yet. The items on her list made her weird and somewhat unapproachable, and Holly... She just seemed unique. And interesting. And surprisingly enough, she did seem to find Gail's snide comments entertaining. That was new.

Gail smiled to herself climbing out of the truck, waiting for the guys to get the body. If somebody would have told her that day, that she would be making out with Dr. Lunchbox a couple of months later, she would have laughed them in the face. Yet here she was, accompanying a 15 year old body, her brain working a 100 miles a second on the hope to get to see Holly. In her sexy white lab coat. Ordering around her interns and doing smart stuff. Gail walked straight to her lab, not bothering to wait for the body to be wheeled in.

"Hey."

Holly raised her head from the microscope. Smiling. That was enough already. Her hair in a pony tail, lose strands framing her face, giving a the whole lab a warm and inviting look. That was a bonus.

"Hey. What are you doing here?"

Gail wanted to come closer. She wanted to step closer to Holly and touch her, somehow. She wanted a validation, that this was no longer just an officer talking to a forensics pathologist. She wanted a validation, that she was now Gail's pathologist. That was God damn ridiculous. Gail shook her head. Yeah. Holly kissed her properly once and now Gail wanted to pee a circle around her.

"I brought you a corpse."

"Well, you certainly know how to charm a girl."

"Not just a girl. A forensic pathologist?"

Holly laughed, coming closer to Gail.

"Flowers, a dead body. You're really raising the bar for yourself. Where do you go from here?"

"Two dead bodies?"

Holly right in front of Gail.

"Well, you should probably erase the outgoing texts from your phone before doing that. You know, promising your girlfriend fresh corpses, it's pretty heavy evidence."

It hung heavy in the air. Girlfriend. Holly eyes betrayed her, this was not planed. Not anticipated. But she stood her ground. She didn't try to correct herself, to downplay it or retract it with her tail between her legs. Holly stood there. Holding Gail's eyes, unflinching.

Maybe the whole peeing and circle deal wasn't all that far fetched, Gail realized.

"Come on, between you and me, you think we wouldn't be able to cover stuff up?"

Holly smiled stepping a tiny step closer, her body an inch away from Gail's.

"Ah, yes. The dynamic duo of hiding crime."

Gail wouldn't even have felt the soft kiss on her cheek if not for the fact that she had been frozen bone deep for hours and the warmth of Holly's lips sent a shiver all the way down her spine. Gail heard the voices of the guys with the body. Holly must have heard them too, she stepped away from her, leaving the appropriate amount of space in between them, keeping her eyes on Gail's. The look now having a new meaning. An inside, intimate meaning, known only to the two of them. Girlfriend. The first one.

"I guess I'll be stuck in the lab with you again."

The lopsided grin. Holly still did that. And Gail still had no idea what it meant. Smug? Delighted? Mad?

"Not really. I'm swamped with loads of lab tests today. You know, all the DNA and stuff. Dr. Beckett is responsible for the autopsies. Soooo, I guess you'll be spending the day with him."

Gail stood there frowning. Her shoulders slumped.

"You're kidding me right?"

"He's a really nice man. And a wonderful pathologist."

"I've met him. He's just an old bitter man, who tried to teach me manners the first time we met."

"You're calling somebody bitter?"

Holly was chuckling, watching Gail's frustration unfold in front of her.

"Hey, I'm not bitter. I...I have a distinctive way of perceiving things."

"I guess that's one way of putting it. Think of it that way, he has his OWN distinctive way of seeing things."

Gail was still frowning. This was unfair. She was supposed to spend the day in Holly's lab. To find her Zen once again. The whole mind, body, soul, third eye alinement thing. And now she was going to be stuck with some old idiot who believed to be better than her.

"Gail, come on. Just be silent, and he will be silent. I know you love it here, so just enjoy it. Silently."

Holly didn't really get it. The whole silence and calmness thing was only a part of it. Staring at an old man certainly could not be as fun as staring at Holly. Her hair. Her hands. Her eyes. And the way that she lost herself in her work. Going on autopilot, removing her glasses every time she wanted to stop for a second to think, and alway smoothing a hand over her hair before putting them back on. And chewing on the end of her pen. And smiling at Gail every time their eyes met. Holly could say all she wanted, a day with Dr. Becket was not going to be half as fun as a day with Dr. Stewart would have been.

"Yeah, well, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. If I don't kill him, we'll both end up being stronger, I guess."

"You'll be fine, Gail, trust me. Stop by after you're finished with the autopsy. If I'm finished with the tests maybe we can get some food, you know...Plan our next move, as the new anti-hero duo."

Gail assumed that hoping that the girl had died of natural causes and the autopsy would only take an hour or so was rather naive. She sighed loudly.

"Of course, I'll stop by."

Gail left Holly's lab, not hers actually, but in Gail's mind the whole morgue was "Holly's morgue", so...details. She left Holly's lab and went into the autopsy hall, filled with tables covered in bodies, all shapes an sizes. Gail could see a tiny creature unpacking the teenager's body in the corner of the hall. Gail approached tentatively.

"Dr. Beckett. I'm officer Peck. I'll be sticking around to collect any information you come across."

He only threw her a sideways glance and continued working.

"Well, young lady, I believe wearing a police jacket inside the morgue is not exactly appropriate. What do you think? "

Oh, he certainly didn't want to know what Gail thought.

She took of her jacket and sat down as far away form the pathologist as she could while still keeping him and the body within her eyesight. Gail dropped her head into her hands and closed her eyes just for a second, trying to will herself to warm up. Repeating the same mantra inside her head for the fourth day in the row. It was simple. All she had to do, was make it through the day without pissing off an old man, try to get all the accessible information along the way and it would be fine. She would have dinner with Holly. Slowly. Because that's how they did things. Slow. It was that simple. It also sort of felt like running through the rain. Dreadful and horrendous, but hell would freeze over before she gave up. She would continue, because whatever she did in life, there was always that certain moment when there was no turning back. When giving up was no longer an option. There, sitting in the morgue, her eyes closed, for the first time in her life Gail understood, an epiphany of her own kind, that it was Holly, and no other way. She no longer had the option of "no Holly".

Simple, indeed.


	7. Chapter 7: The Drown

There was something about the white coat. Something Gail couldn't quite put a finger on just yet. Or maybe it was the microscope? Or all the monitors in the lab, blinking mysterious numbers and symbols in the barely lit darkness? Not quite certain why, but standing there, on the threshold, Gail could not take her eyes away from Holly. The pathologist, engrossed in her work, eyes set on the eyepiece, one hand scribbling something in a yellow notebook. Her hair now in complete disarray, the white coat slightly wrinkled at the bottom, sleeves rolled up. All signs of hard work happening all day long. The trash filled with empty coffee cups. Books, test tubes, loose sheets of paper scattered all around the lab. And Holly, sitting there, hunched at the microscope. Gail knew, this was like watching an animal in it's natural habitat. This is where she thrived. Because Holly was not like Gail. She didn't have a concrete wall build between herself and her work. There was officer Peck, and there was Gail. And it would stay that way. "The Peck" would never make way inside of Gail. But Holly. She WAS Dr. Stewart. The woman in the apartment making lasagna functioned on the same frequency as the one standing there, in the lab putting some disgusting green paste on a piece of glass. And Gail enjoyed watching them both equally. She knew, she was in deep now. She was under water. There had to be a way not to panic, because that would cause her to thrash around, to try to inhale. That would not save her. That would only ruin her. That would cause her to die.

Gail stood by the door, immobile. Holly, unaware as ever. In her own world, time and space forgotten. Eyes narrowing now and then, hands moving swiftly, effortlessly finding their way between all the files and vials and instruments. There was a certain grace about the way that she moved her fingers, a underlying loveliness to the way that she turned her head to the side when in deep in thought. Gail felt like she was intruding. As if she was witnessing something far more private and intimate that simple lab work. Her feet rooted firmly to the ground, hands fisted, throat dry. A picture of a confident cop.

"Hey."

Holly lifted her eyes to her. Tired, nevertheless happy eyes.

"Hey. You snuck up on me. I didn't hear you come in."

"Yeah well, that's me. Sneaky. I'm all done for the day. Are you still sure about the food?"

Holly nodded.

"Yes. Just give me a couple of minutes to finish up. We can get some take-out, maybe?"

"What? No more home cooked food?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I aiming too low to fulfill the standards of the Cheese Puff Queen?"

Gail shook her head. What else could she have possibly done? Holly was putting away things, moving the vials around, turning of the monitors and stashing the green paste in a fridge. Gail couldn't help but wonder, did Holly also keep her lunch in the same fridge? She probably did. Because that's what most nerds did. They didn't see a problem with this level of grossness. Holly was taking off her white coat, getting her stuff, getting ready to leave. Gail's eyes stayed on the coat. Holly was smart. She went through medical school. She must have dated all kinds of smart women. Most of her past girlfriends must have been doctors or something like that. How many women were there. No. Gail was definitely not ready to go there. Not yet. She was curious, though, if it was weird for Holly. To go out with someone who was a street cop. No M.D. or P.H.D. next to the name. Gail wasn't stupid, but she wasn't coronary artery embo-whatever, the stuff that Holly wrote about, smart either.

"Chinese sound good?"

Holly was already standing in front of Gail, effectively shaking her out of the trance.

"Sure."

They took Holly's car and drove to her apartment, stopping to get food on the way. The decision to go to Holly's was both unvoiced and unanimous. There was routine to how they went about things. Not saying much. That's what mattered though. They were tired, and Holly didn't seem to mind Gail being quiet. What mattered was her presence. Them sitting in a car. Them ordering food. Gail arguing about the order. Holly arguing about the bill. Both of them silently berating the cashier for messing up their order. Both of the puffing in the cold air, tip-toeing to the car. Holly taking Gail's Hand and putting it on her thigh as she drove to her place. Gail smiling in the darkness of the car, feeling the warmth under her palm. She didn't need to say anything, and Holly knew that. Gail was drifting under the surface. Starting to figure out how not to breathe the water in. How to keep her lungs clean. How to relax her arms and legs and just let them move with the currents. How not to start making a mess of things. How to drown, without dying.

"Do you want to get plates or are the containers ok?"

Holly apartment was still as warm and as inviting as it ever was.

"The containers are fine. I mean, you did basically call me white trash earlier today."

"I did not do such a thing."

"You called me the Cheese Puff Queen. I believe that is called an implication."

"Oh, you can be such an idiot. I didn't mean to imply anything. Apart from the fact that your eating habits are shit. Come on, I'm starving."

It felt normal to take a shower in Holly's place. And to borrow her sweats. They were soft and smelled of Holly. So it was ok. She was getting comfortable with all of this at an alarming rate. At least, alarming to the part of Gail's brain that was considering the bigger picture of things, while the rest of Gail slurped on her noodles, watching the cartoon network, curled up on Holly's sofa.

"I forgot to tell you. Chris called me earlier. Chloe woke up. She is still very weak, but the doctors are saying that she should be fine, eventually. I believe, what they said was- out of the woods."

Holly put down her food. Her lips stretched into a grin, she needed her whole body to react to news like that.

"Gail, thats is wonderful. Out of the woods is wonderful."

"I know. I'm happy for her. I'll try to stop by the hospital tomorrow, if she can have visitors. Dov is still messed up though. The husband doesn't want him to visit her, she is really weak, and the whole situation is just unbearable for him."

"Yes, but with her being alive the situation will resolve itself one way or another. It always does."

Gail was silent for a moment. Holly might as well have been the most grown up person she'd ever known.

"You're right. They'll make it through this. I still can't believe she lied, though. All this time."

Holly looked at her, holding her gaze.

"I don't want it to sound like I approve of lying, but I'm sure she had her reasons. There is no way for us to know all the sides to the story."

"Holly, you know that the whole zen thing is a bit infuriating?"

She didn't say anything. That was even more infuriating. But not in the "Wrath of Gail" kind of a way. In a way that made Gail want to wrestle Holly to the ground and do things to her that would wipe that lopsided grin off of her face. She had no idea what kind of things, but she could come up with something, right? The physical part of relationships was never a problem for Gail. She was a natural. Never with a woman though. But it couldn't be that complicated. Holly had all the same "equipment" after all.

Just like a few nights ago, Holly lifted her arm and Gail fit in nicely there, cuddling to her side in front of the TV.

It was a surprise to Gail herself, how easy it was for her to imagine touching Holly. The picture of her naked body next to hers came to mind without any strenuous effort. It must have been lurking in the back of her mind for quite a while, waiting for an appropriate occasion. Like lying on Holly's couch and watching cartoons. As shocking as it might have been, Gail could sense her fingers tingling with the warmth that Holly's skin, well, her imaginary skin would create. How smooth she would feel. Just about how different it would feel to be with a woman. The pressure building up in Gail's lungs. Her brain screaming for air. Making her want to inhale so strongly, fighting the water. But her body was already sold, it had to find out what was at the bottom. She wasn't going to resurface, that was for sure. All she had left was to drift underwater and figure out how to deal with that.

Holly shifted slightly, Gail's head ending up right on her shoulder.

What exactly did Holly mean, when she said 'one step at a time'. Just about how many steps were they going to take? Gail hated the uncertainty. Because you could take a stroll in the park, one step at a time, or you might as well run an Olympic sprint. Or a marathon. One step at a time. Of course, the fact that sex would change everything between them was a bit daunting. And Gail was nervous about it. Possibly for different reasons than Holly imagined.

Gail was falling for her. It came in a silent realization. She was falling for Holly. There was no bang, no fireworks, felt almost anticlimactic- she was falling in love with a woman, after all. But there was only a silent tentative voice in the back of her head. It whispered to Gail when she watched Holly in the Arcade bar, when she stalked her in the lab, when Holly touched her back in the chinese place. Gail's heart-rate increased, her palms sweated, the hair on the back of her neck stood up, basically a fight or flight situation, and then, that sneaky whisper somewhere in her mind. It knew what was going on. It knew why she was drowning. It was keeping her from breathing the water in, keeping her from starting to thrash around and causing an scene. It knew. Gail knew.

She was falling for her.

Gail turned her head. That was all that was necessary. She turned her head and kissed Holly's neck. Slowly and gently. Sliding her hand around her waist, inching even closer. She could feel Holly swallow beneath her lips. Gail could have sworn she heard Holly moan as she kissed the smooth skin under her ear, languidly. She felt a hand on the small of her back, drawing her in, pressing their bodies even tighter together. Gail was right. She would figure this out. She was seemed to be doing fine this far. At least it felt like Holly was enjoying this as much as Gail was. Her heart-rate picking up, her breathing becoming more and more shallow.

"Maybe we should..", Holly's voice cracked.

"Maybe we should, you know...the bedroom?"

Gail looked up, into Holly's glazed eyes.

"Yeah, we should."

The walk felt eternal. Gail trailing behind Holly, clutching her hand. She felt exhilarated, she felt nervous, she felt everything. It was all at once. The time had changed it's course. Gail could have easily traveled to the Moon and back in the time that it took Holly to turn off the TV, the lights, for them to walk to the bedroom and turn on a soft glowing lamp in there. Lightyears almost. And when Holly turned to her, in front of the bed, and took her face into her hands, Gail felt like she was going to burst in anticipation of...Something. And everything. Holly leaned in for a kiss. A deep and thorough kiss.

"Gail, please don't be nervous."

"I'm not."

Shit. Her voice made sure for it to sound as far from the truth as possible. The water gliding all around her body. Drawing her in, deeper and deeper.

"Yeah. I can see that", Holly took the hem of Gail's shirt between her fingers. "What do they say? It's like riding a bike. Gail, relax. It's just sex."

Yeah, sure. JUST.

It took another lightyear, before she stood naked in front of Holly. But the look in her eyes, as she appraised Gail's body was worth it. And the feelings that roared in her as she took Holly's clothes off. It was all worth the wait. To the Mars and back, it was all worth it.

Lying in a bed, next to Holly, felt a bit surreal. Kissing her, feeling her naked body, skin to skin, felt different. If felt new. It felt, in the most amazing way, intolerable. Nothing like Gail had imagined. In any of her dreams or fantasies. Everything else seemed to have disappeared. Only the present moment remained. Holly's lips, Holly's tongue, her skin, her hair. Her hand on her back, her hand on her neck. It was all touch and contact. And when Gail rolled on top of Holly, covering the length of her whole body, she could feel her smiling against her mouth.

"Oh shut up."

Sure she was nervous, but that didn't mean she couldn't show a little bit initiative. Holly chuckled.

"I figured you'd go for the top."

The lopsided grin again. But it wasn't unnerving. Paired with Holly's heavy-lidded eyes and the fact that she was stark naked beneath Gail made it look hot. Gail was sure, the grin would never look the same to her again. Many things would never be the same. Because from then on she would know how it felt to lie between Holly's legs. How the weight of Holly's breasts felt in her hands and what kind of magic made her nipples go hard in Gail's mouth. How it felt to have Holly's hand at the back of her head while she kissed her breasts and how she arched into Gail when her thigh connected with the wetness between her legs. A whole myriad of new "hows" that could never be undone. And Gil didn't want them undone. She wanted more. She wanted all of them, because the more Holly responded to her, the bolder she felt. Lands uncharted, places undiscovered. All for her to explore. It was not embarrassing, it was not weird, on the contrary it incredibly hot, when Gail felt Holly's hand on hers, guiding slightly, small adjustments. Big difference, it seemed though, because Holly rolled her eyes to the back of her head and panted a breathy 'yes' into Gail's ear. Gail had never seen anything quite as mesmerizing and had never felt quite as powerful as the moment that Holly came. She clenched around Gail's fingers, hips rising up, seemingly freezing there for a moment, one hand clinging to the sheets the other grasping Gail's shoulder, almost painfully. The moan that escaped her mouth shook something deep within Gail.

Kissing and cuddling Holly down from her orgasm, Gail couldn't help but smile. The pressure was still there, the water was still heavy, but she was no longer suffocating. Her brain was no longer screaming for her to breath. Hew lungs finding a way to deal with it all. It was fine. It was especially fine once Holly rolled on top of Gail and showed her just how well she could ride that bike. Later on, Gail realized she was right. Holly was Dr. Stewart, and Dr. Stewart was Holly. She attacked sex with the same meticulous and thorough care as she did her work, the same enthusiasm and keen interest, the same inventiveness and playfulness. Gail was sure, she would walk a bit funny the next day.

She found all the places that she could manage that made Holly moan, all the places that made her suck in a breath. Below her earlobe, he left breast more than her right, her palms, and just below her ribcage oddly enough, only on her right side. She tasted herself on Holly's lips, and after that, soon discovered that Gail herself was actually better with her mouth than her hands. At least that what it seemed like based on Holly's response. Holly's neighbors might have heard that response as well. And Gail was pretty sure she could do that with her hands too, because she was a firm believer that practice makes perfect.

As she lay in Holly's arms, stroking her stomach, one leg draped over hers, Gail felt utterly contempt.

"Gail, I really do appreciate your eagerness, but you know that we don't have to do EVERYTHING tonight."

"I know that we don't HAVE to, but it doesn't mean that we can't."

She could feel more that hear Holly laugh beneath her, a hand stroking her hair.

"I would really like not to go to work tomorrow, just to stay in bed with you, right here."

"I know. A warm bed, a hot blond- it certainly beats going to work with dead bodies and old bitter doctors."

"Oh my God, Gail, I can't believe you just brought Dr. Beckett into my post coital bliss. This is disgusting."

"You started with all the work talk."

The apartment rung with their laughter. Holly covered her eyes.

"I can't believe I'm naked in a bed with you and there is a visual of him in my head. Why did you do that? This is horrible."

Gail rose up on her elbow and fought to remove the hand from Holly's eyes.

"Do you want me to try and fix that?"

She bent down to kiss her, almost chastely. When Gail opened her eyes, Holly's were still sparkling with laughter. Such a warm and trusting look. Gail felt as if she was looking straight through her.

"Better?"

Holly was silent.

"I'm still going to find you here tomorrow morning, aren't I? I just. I really don't want to wake up alone, Gail. "

"You won't. Unless, of course, your fridge is empty, and what kind of woman would it make me, if I stayed over with someone who does't even feed their dates after a night of rigorous activities."

Holly turned to her side, drawing Gail along her back, unceremoniously making her the big spoon.

"So basically, as long as I feed you, we should be good."

"Something like that."

"Ok. We can manage that."

Gail could feel the smile in Holly's voice. The rise and fall of her chest as she breathed in and out. She could feel Holly's heart beating where her hand lay on her stomach. The smooth skin of her legs intertwined with hers. The hair was annoying. It was beautiful, it smelled amazing, but in this scenario it was annoying. But she wasn't going to complain now. It felt too nice. And sleep was threatening too close for her to complain about anything. She was being lulled by the currents, by the soft movements that her limbs created in the water. She was part of the water now. Moving, gliding with it. For once in her life, Gail didn't feel the need to fight it.

The End.

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**Thanks a lot for all the comments:) **

**Hope you enjoyed it.**

**Happy Holidays:)**


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